My Silly Quotes and Stupid Jokes Collection

--------------------- Feb 15, 2015 -------------------------------
My Building Permit:
Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide,
With 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows
All over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it
Snot green with pink trim. The City Council told me
“Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."
Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt! I love this country.
It’s the government that scares the shit out of me.

-------------------- Feb 23, 2015 --------------------------------
We had a guy walking his Magellanic penguin down the side walk in town.   When the police chief saw him, he told him not to walk the penguin there, but take it to the zoo.  The next day the police chief sees the guy walking his penguin down the same side walk.   The chief stops and yells at the guy: “I told you yesterday to take that penguin to the zoo!” The guy said: “I did.   Today we are going to the park to watch the Little League games.  ” 

-------------------- Feb 23, 2015 --------------------------------
man and a dog walk into a bar.   man asks bartender for a beer.   bartender says can't have animals in here.  man says i'm blind,and this is my seeing eye dog, bartender says o.k.  then that is acceptable.  man takes his beer and takes a seat at a table.  few minutes later,another guy and his dog walk into the bar.  and as they are walking past the first man,the first man whispers .  to the second man.  .  they don't allow dogs in here, but if you tell him you are blind, and that is your seeing eye dog, he'll let you stay; second man says thanks and walks up to the bar and orders a beer.  bartender says no animals allowed in the bar, second man says but I am blind and this is my seeing eye dog.  bartender says since when did they start training Chihuahuas to to be seeing eye dogs? second man says, "they gave me a Chihuahua? " 

--------------------- March 6, 2015 ------------------------------
Jesus can walk on water
Cucumbers are 98% water
I can walk on cucumbers
Therfore, i am 98% Jesus.

Jesus can walk on water
Ice is 100% water
I can walk on ice
Therefore, i am 100% Jesus
 
-------------------- May 11, 2015 --------------------------------
Want some more Palindrome Sentences
1. Sir, I demand, I am a maid named Iris
2. Noel sees Leon
3. Too hot to hoot
4. Sex at noon taxes
5. Stella won no wallets
6. Dennis sinned
7. Senile felines
8. Was it a bar or a bat I saw?
9. Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
10. Step on no pets !

----------------------- August 18, 2015 -------------------------------------------------

India has made huge strides in space exploration.,

However The Peoples Republic of North Korea, under the Dear Leader Kim Jung Un, has already topped India's achievement, with the first manned landing on the Sun.

Utilizing the massive two stage Brilliant Flash rocket, they have achieved what western scientists said could not be done.

Though not without it's difficulties, the pilot Noh Not Mi, had to swerve to avoid several large solar flares, to find a place where he could land the final stage of the huge rocket.

A grainy video of Mr. Mi, was beamed back to Earth, and it clearly shows, Pilot Mi, standing on the surface of the moon, applying a generous amount of sunscreen, and roasting a chicken.

Upon his triumphant return, Pilot Mi, standing alongside Chairman/President Un, was asked questions by the North Korean Truthful News, anchor, Li, Un. Shu " Mr. Mi, members of the western press have said that you did not land on the sun and return, what do you say?"

Mr. Mi responded that, "while it was warm, because of the Deal Leader's great insight, our scientists realized the one factor every other scientist in the western world, had not realized".

"It would be foolish to attempt to land on the Sun, with it's blazing mid day heat", so he decided that we would land at night.

It is that kind of forward thinking that will keep the PRNC at the top of the scientific community.

Thanks for your patience

opj

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Sept 9, 2015
Observations from the older generation:
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

----- 7-October 2015 ----
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First" , Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second" , he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third" , he said, "you can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth" , Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last ," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
Don't you just love Red Necks?

----- May 27, 2023 ----

A Swede, a Dane and a Norwegian stand outside a barn with a pig inside. The Swede goes in, but the pig farts and the Swede can't handle the smell, so he runs out. The Dane goes in, but the pig farts and the Dane can't handle the smell, so he runs out. Then the Norwegian goes in, and he farts so bad that the pig can't handle the smell, and the pig runs out.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were were each given a theodolite and told to measure the height of Senate House (for many years the tallest building in London, belonging to the University). The Mathematician, knowing his trigonometry, sets up the theodolite, triangulates the building and calculates the height. The Physicist, not being quite so good at maths, swings the theodolite as a pendulum from the top and calculates the height from the time period. The engineer goes down to the Public Records Office and looks up the height, pawns the theodolite and buys drinks for all of them with the proceeds.